|
Midnight Hour
it is in the stormy
midnight hour
that
I feel the vacancy
that is you
the familiar dread trembles
my heart as
the loneliness
expands in its glory
i cannot stop it, instead
i welcome it,
embrace it
make it mine
my mind startles at the
clarity, of the
vacancy,
that is you
©2008/sqb
Facing My Mortality
I lay here, life seeping
away from me
Defiantly, not weeping,
can
you not see
Though
I held it all
deep down inside,
Pain heeded my call,
I then became his Bride
We are destined to be
forever as
one
Yet therein lies the key,
For hope has just begun
So I'll just stay here
for a little while
Pondering the
where
And the why
My Rose is still fresh,
covered in dew
My
bullet on warm flesh
Pointed away from you
Facing my mortality,
I'm not quite ready
A phase of morbidity,
Can
you not see
©2008/sqb
The Slide
a siren's
call
seducing
swaying
tempting
intoxicating...
me
i have fooled myself
into thinking i was
moving on
for how can i
when
the hiss
of the abyss
whispers
in the comfort of darkness
quiet desperation rears its
Medusa head smothering
the light
questioning my
carefully guarded
sanity
in the absence of
your reality i find
my world turned
upside down
the siren calls
enticingly
sweetly
i am not a martyr
pain not a welcome friend
yet my
constant companion
familiar weight
i am coming now
my love
such impatience
©2008/sqb
So What Now
I'm feeling selfish and angry today
and was
thinking about how you said
you always wanted to go first because
you didn't think you could live without
me by your
side. You did go first, see,
and got your wish again-seems it was
always about what you wanted, what
you had to have-the
new gun, hunting
jacket, freaking six-hundred dollar surfboard.
I must have been out of my mind
when I "agreed" to
that one- but on the heels
of that came the 300 dollar wetsuit even
when you and I both knew(well me at least)
you
might use it once; the icing on the cake
was finding you on the phone wheeling and
dealing with the bank about a boat
loan...
....a freaking boat....
So I went ballistic on your sorry ass and then
you
finally figured out I was really pissed
off with you and your antics. Your answer was
that you had almost died and was
now going to
live life to it's fullest, and while I understood that
plaintive cry, it wasn't putting money in our pockets.
Did
I mention the hip-waders for someone who also
needed a hip replacement, and the boots for duck
hunting? You left me
with that damn duffel bag of
decoys that travelled like a shrine with us across the
Pacific and back. As I sip my wine
sometimes at night
I wonder if it wasn't I who was lost in a fog of denial
instead of you. You fought the good fight,
I fought it too.
I think we were fighting for a damn long time, you and I;
not with each other but at life, and the
cards dealt out.
....did you get tired.....
I think you did, despite the light at the end of
the tunnel.
Together we stood, side by side; through the storms, for
richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till
death do you
part .....till death do you part.... and suddenly the
decoys and the surfboard and the wetsuit and the
maybe-boat didn't matter because you were gone and god I wanted to go too, cause God wasn't anywhere around then I'm sure
cause I was sure looking hard for Him...but He couldn't hear me...and sometimes I still think He doesn't. And writing this
just took the anger out a bit but I still have to ask: why did you leave me here? Why didn't you take me with you? What am
I supposed to do now....
Why didn't you say goodbye....why...was...it...always...
about you...
©9/24/2005/Susan Britton
the alien people
i knew he was gone as soon as i entered
the house. i just knew. it didn't stop me
from running down the hallway and throwing
myself over him. i took in the blue extremeties
while marveling at the warmth still in his back.
i also knew CPR but i had not one ounce of
strength to turn him over.
i'm the one who called them, then threw
the phone somewhere across the floor...
the firetruck appeared with siren blaring,
followed immediately by the ambulance.
the firetruck was white, and it gleamed
in the noontime sun like some strange
alien ship just landed. much too bright.
i never understood why the firemen
came.
i'm sure they had seen many a hysterical
person before, but i was also sure they
had never seen one quite like me.
i showed them down the hall into the bedroom,
following them at high speed only to be turned
away. they shouldn't have done that, and they
came out much too fast.
i remember the paramedic in his
starched white shirt helping me up off
of the floor where i had slid down the wall.
i stared at him blankly as he told me there
was nothing they could do. they all stared
at
me as i stomped my feet in rage, demanding
that they fix him.
they were kind of course.
one of them called our doctor, while another
one of them actually made me a cup of tea.
i was asking why they couldn't fix him and
was explained to about pulmonary embolism;
i rudely interrupted with the comment that i
knew what that was and i wasn't stupid.
they really were very kind as i lost my mind.
----------------------------------------------------------------
i've come four years down the grief and
depression highway since that day.
making good, if slow, progress. this
writing helps tremendously. i have
different things to say about the dark
side of this journey and i will, for
it also has to come out.
i wrote this first because i was privileged
to hear what its like to be a paramedic.
not hear details, nor names; no real end
results of rescue. what affected me most
was the damn tiredness in the voice. the
effort it probably took to mantain the
"in control" and astute professionalism
portion of that voice.
i felt extreme empathy for what these
people deal with every day. they are
beyond special. i was thrown back in
time to the day of which i wrote above,
when i heard that voice. i wish i could go
back and thank those two men who were
so kind yet so sorry they couldn't "fix"
him for me. i didn't even know their names.
you can be sure that if within my power, the
opportunity will not slip by me again should
any of these outstanding people heed my
call for help.
© 2007/sqb
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following are some excerpts from journal entries. In 2003 I started writing down my thoughts
in a desperate attempt to ease the grief and pain, which was strangling me. I started in July, almost a year after
Jimmy passed. I had also slipped into a deep depression of which I would be unaware of for some time to come. I only ask that you take note: what I wrote, when I wrote it, was indicative of my mindset at the
time.
SQB
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
excerpt: "The Agony of Grief"
back to my writing and musings....
I
am now able to read some out of my many books on grieving I bought in my 1st phase of shock/instant loss of mind. to self-help
of course, not knowing they would sit and collect dust for 6 or7 months because I had forgotton I had even bought them..ups
delivery..oh,ok did I order this?? oh.
now I am able to read some, ; ihave about 3 or4 open all over the place, little
snippets of information that I see myself staring back at me in. this one is great!! it encompasses the entire process quite
nicely, I feel. I really need to compile and make a huge journal for I find myself writing more and more..get it out before
it suffocates me.
this is from a book entitled: COMPANION THROUGH THE DARKNESS, by Stephanie Ericsson..someone who has
lived/is living this journey that I find myself on...
"what is there to say about grief?
grief is a tidal wave
that overtakes you, smashes down upon you with unimaginable force, sweeps you up into its darkness, where you tumble and crash
against unidentifiable surfaces, only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped.
grief means not being able
to read more than two sentences at a time. it is walking into rooms with intention that suddenly vanishes.
grief is three-o'clock-in-the-morning
sweats that won't stop. it is dreadful sundays, and mondays that are no better.
it makes you look for a face in the crowd,
knowing full well the face we want cannot be found in that crowd.
grief is utter aloneness that razes the rational mind
and makes room for the phantasmagoric. it makes you suddenly get up in the middle of a meeting, without saying a word.
grief
makes what others think of you moot. it shears away the masks of normal life and forces brutal honesty out of your mouth before
propriety can stop you. it shoves away friends, scares away so-called friends, and rewrites your address book for you.
grief
makes you laugh at people who cry over spilled milk, right to their faces. it tells the world that you are untouchable at
the very moment when touch is the only contact that might reach you. it makes lepers out of upstanding citizens.
grief
discriminates against no one. it kills. maims. and cripples. it is the ashes from which the phoenix rises, and the mettle
of rebirth. it returns life to the living dead. it teaches that there is nothing absolutely true or untrue. it assures the
living that we know nothing for certain. it humbles. it shrouds. it blackens. it enlightens.
Grief will make a new person
out of you, if it doesn't kill you in the making."
yes, I agree..this is my battle of all battles..the war of all wars..my
life verses your death, husband. I must win, I HAVE to win..for death is a coward..and it is not yet my time.
another
excerpt:Purgatory: a place where I am unable to grieve; frozen-ness; the place where the living dead dwell.(S.E.)
and
more: "Mists of the Ferryman"
"our first attempt out into the dating world will be terrifying. And maybe even exhilarating.
somewhere, with someone, we will be ferried over into the next way of life. at some point, we will take our clothes off for
another lover.
it can be such a pivitol experience that gratitude can make it seem like it's true love. we are like children,
who think that every growth spurt is their last.
but this is just the beginning."(S.E.) myself stares back at me from these
pages..i see myself written all over these little snippets and glimpses into another griever's inner most sanctom.
my husband..your
loss haunts me..turns me inside myself.
can i..will I ever be able to love again. you and i..soulmates.
can a person
have more than one? is there a hard and fast rule? loving again..the need for touch..and the sweetness of pure love, to wrap
and envelop me is a strong one. you can never be replaced my love..nor will I try to replace you. I am you, you are me..we
are one..death stole your body, but your loving spriit lives on in my heart. loving again...losing you taught me a lesson
still being learned...taking risks..opening up my heart, knowing it can and will be enduring a loss I may encounter one day
again. for such is life, the order of life.
but I can only live again if I step out and take that risk..life is too short
not too..your strength sees me through. and I thank and love you for it.
©7/4/2003/sqb
aaahhh...the ocean
hi husband..today I went to our favorite place,,the beach!!
you
would have liked it today...the surf was a bit too rough for me, but you could have caught a few good waves, here and there.
the wind was blowing like hell out of the west, onshore..i ate a lot of sand.:) of course I still went in the water cause
I had to be blessed. I imagine you "up there" somewhere riding a perrenial wave..wonder what that would feel like..just to
ride and ride. hope you're loving it!
I aways feel closer to you when I’m at the beach, it's a place I can always
find you. memories of you etched delicately in my mind....paddling out, sitting out there on your board, pretending like you
are'nt looking at me to see if I’m looking at you..i knew all your moves.remember how I would wave to you when you caught
one and was riding it? of course you couldn't acknowledge me then, cause you were surf-god, who caught a wave. uh..men!
today
I closed my eyes as I let the sun warm my body and I listened to the surf crashing on the shore. I let the sound of the waves
soothe my soul..for the noise of it was louder than the tornado in my heart..i let my mind wander to the days when we saw
the whales. beautiful, awesome creatures of God. leaping out of the water with such grace and beauty..how could one not be
in awe? I miss them..i miss you.
their migration is an eternal thing, with them the world seems in balance. thank you for
your thoughtful gift of binoculars that one year, so I could see them even better. today was a good day..just the ocean and
my memories..if even for just this time..i did not shed any tears, but smiled. and so my journey continues.....
©7/5/03 sqb
morning comes again....
the night is always welcome..maybe
I get to sleep, maybe I don't, maybe just a little. I am married now to the couch, it used to just be an affair, but sometime
when I wasn't aware of it ..it claimed me as its own. the bed? well, it's so far down the hallway..and memories of you linger
there. good and bad. but most of all that's where I found you..i should be grateful that you just went to sleep..but the horror
consumes me. it replays in my mind over and over..the silience..seeing the dog out of the corner of my eye at the side ofthe
bed as I went into the kitchen, wondering why the 2 of them didn't greet me, where is the other one? the split micro-second
in time when all was revealed..when "the knowing" occured.
I stand outside myself watching me run-fly-down the hall, yet
slowed down in some time-warped twilight zone show...
I see you laying in the exact position I left you in..i see the dogs,
one on either side of the bed..i know in another split micro-second they are keeping watch over their master.
the howl
that leaves my body is alien..primal..a wolf howling at the moon, except the sun is shiningso brightly on this hot august
day. the dogs run for cover, the alpha female is here now..she will take over the watch. what they didn't know was that my
mind left the room with them. I throw myself upon you, you are warm, and cold at the same time, how is that possible? and
I realize that I missed your last breath by only minutes. I try to turn you over, I know cpr, but for some unknown reason
my strength has deserted me..the alien howl comes from somewhere again, I hear it, but I do not know it comes from me....
I
know now that this is a scene I must replay over and over in my head, every detail must come out, to remember, to feel. it
is the only way to make your death real.
shock is a wonderful thing..it protects you from yourself, for surely one would
be swallowed whole by the abyss if one had to absorb it all at once.
I wanted to throw up, I couldn't breathe, tunnel vision.
who
are these people in my house? where did they come from?
did you know I screamed at the paramedics? did you know I threw
a tantrum, stomping my foot, demanding that they fix you? the phone is ringing, the cats..where are my cats??
WHO ARE ALL
THESE PEOPLE IN MY HOUSE!! WHERE DID THEY COME FROM!! WHY ARE THEY HERE???
people are touching me..DON'T TOUCH ME..DON'T
YOU DARE TOUCH ME!! I run in the bathroom and see an animal in the mirror. I am chanting over and over..God give me strength,
God give me strength..another howl, where is that coming from???
you hear a lot about death and how people react to it.
what you never hear from those that "know"..is the raw physical pain that accompanies the "knowing". when you know yet don't
know that you have just been ripped in two, and you are bleeding. you never hear it because it is something that they are
trying to live with..phantom pains from a missing limb.
yes, this day of your departure is one I must revisit over
and over. every tiny detail, lest I forget something important.
our son arrives..he runs down that hallway..i hear another
howl..and I answer it.
today I must go down this road, but I can write no more now.
I need to go sit and be still..and
let the tears flow...the abyss is too near.
©7/6/03- 9:38am-sqb
THUNDER
WHY,
WHY, WHY, WHY????
you know? life sucks, then you die. and what is it all for??
this is hell on earth, it's got to be,
if not why are we destined to hurt, be hurt, hurt others. WHY DO PEOPLE HURT OTHER PEOPLE???? promises broken, lies told.
TRUST: something a fool does with eyes wide open and blinders on.
why
do I bother to go on? why do I try? there is no rainbow or pot of gold. DREAMS: where your mind goes to escape. a place where
you choose to ignore reality.
LOVE: an emotion that can kill you if you are not careful.
that movie from way back: a
love story..and the infamous quote from it: love is never having to say you're sorry.
LIES!! SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO SAY
YOU'RE SORRY!!!
sometimes you have to say you're sorry...
blessings? yeah, I’m sure I have some..can't find any
right now.
yippeee..i'm alive. so what? inside I’m just as dead as if I’m 6 feet under. I wish I could go into
shock again and not feel anything. it was better then I think. I am a good girl, no? I take my little antidepressants and
my anxiety pills..to get through the day. I go see the good head dr. with his damn couch and yellow legal pad..and wait for
the night to come..will I sleep or roam like a zombie again. endlessly pacing round and round in circles..maybe a little of
both. wow, aren't I lucky. maybe if I’m really, really lucky I will sleep and not wake up...but no, I’m not that
lucky. and I don't have the courage to end it myself. and the abyss is suddenly at my feet and I am staring into it..facinated..hypnotic..just
let go it whispers. and I lean over even more to hear better..just let go...I want to let go so badly. the pain would go away.
but no, I must be a responsible, upstanding citizen and do the right thing.SUFFER!!! SUFFER: a constant state of being.
and
the sun still shines brightly, mocking me. I hear that whisper again...I am stepping back. I horrify myself.
©7/6/03-12:20pm-sqb
just can't win.
you know, sometimes no matter how well you plan or try to coordinate
things they just don't work out. I was supposed to be to work at 8 this morning..(huge laugh), even got a friend all set up
to call me at 5:30, both reg. and cell phone by my bed, set my alarm. BUT NOOO!! I had to roam the house till 3 am this morning while I live this freaking nightmare called grief! do I take a
sleeping pill or not..cause if I don't, then by 9am i'll be alseep on my
feet..but if I do, I might not wake up in time. to take or not to take?? so I wait till 3:15
and take one. well, wouldn't you know I woke up at 11 am. 11am...what
is that??? messeges evrywhere, cell phone beeping at me.
I HATE MY LIFE. I HATE MY LIFE. I HATE MY LIFE!!!
called work,
uh, sorry, over slept again. get to creep in the back door again while they are at lunch. DID I SAY I HATE MY LIFE??!! can't
win for losing...if it wasn't for bad luck wouldn't have any luck at all, etc, cliche, cliche, blah, blah, blah.
a nightmare
called grief..now there's a good title for a book!
for that is exactly what it is, a nightmare, in real time.
gonna
go shower now, get dressed and try to regain some dignity and go to work. I feel like a walking thundercloud and I really
hope no one says anything stupid, cause I have no idea what will come out of my mouth.
©7/9/03--sqb
freeing my mind..
well, today was a good day. too bad it took all week for me to reach
this point; but hey, at least I arrived. got to work early, hit the floor running and it never stopped. I am beginning to
like days like today, when the office is so busy there is no time for my thoughts to wander down grief-lane.
tired as hell,
must have taken a gazillion x-rays, but it feels good, productive. days like this and I wonder..what is the stopping mechanism
on the other days? what prevents me from having a good day every day? it's my mind I tell you.
everyday is a new beginning,
a chance to start over. it's mind over matter..or is it? don't know, won't worry about it now. will just bask in the good
feeling of doing it today. I over anylize myself too much..so says the good "dr. couch".
cool, I get to go see my therapist
tomorrow, I like her.
think I’m just gonna veg tonight, and listen to some music, maybe browse a non-grief book for
a change. yes, that sounds good. maybe a glass of wine or 2. yes, that's even better. celebration of a good day. be kind to
myself, etc.
©7/10/o3--sqb
|
