FEBRUARY 2006   Amythyst is a pretty gemstone. It's deep purple with fractional prisms of light flowing through it. It can be found in lighter lavender-like color, but I prefer the deep one. Like me. Deep. Did I also mention I am under the sign of Aquarius? We Aquarians are reknowned for thinking 50 years ahead of everyone else, you know. Funny how that doesn't help us to see into the immediate future; imagine how much fun that could be. It could also be very grave, I don't think I want to literally see into the future. I prefer to let each day unfold as it will while I jump on board for the ride, no matter how bumpy or smooth.   February is the month of LOVE. So they say anyway. Well yes, there is Valentine's Day, named after Saint Valentine...I wonder what he would think of all this commercialism going on? Disgust is what comes to mind first. Did you give your valentine roses?? They seem to be the flower of choice-I prefer yellow-should you choose to send me any.   So another year older in body, but getting younger in mind. I love my age-confident, happy, good self esteem. Yep, love my age. Nope, not telling. If anything, I'm ready to really LIVE now. Ready, ready, ready-will somebody please rescue me from myself?!?   Psychadelic colors swirl through my mind, just call me Rainbow. STILL JANUARY 2006   Major Meltdown on the 10th(worthy of Caps) yes indeedy!! But that's alright...it was/would have been my 20th wedding anniversary after all-I was entitled. (yeah...that's it)   Working a little bit, getting out; smiling, laughing, being semi productive. meeting people. P-doc would be proud-heh-sarcasm drips. No longer in low profile mode, the fence has been breached. I have been noticed by "classmates" of old. This just has to be good! Let's see where it takes me, I'm so very curious. Taking control of my finances(this equates to major in-control feeling) and pinching pennies, but splurging on ME when the rush hits. :) I guess this is my blog(shudder) of sorts. Before I even knew what a blog was...to me it's still random thoughts. And you(whomever YOU may be) can read and be happy you don't live in my gray matter.  Or do you?? Ahhh- that explains the voices...   Oh yes! How could I forget?? I am taking a creative writing class-how very risque! You thought this was bad? Wait... 01/23/06 SB JANUARY 2006   So once again, another year passes. It's been an interesting one for sure, personally. It's been a tragic one for the world as a whole. Besides the WAR.... the Tsunami, the cat 5 hurricanes, earthquakes. Kind of makes one assess one's life and make peace with your Maker.   2005-a year of discovery of self. Of walking this journey and having epiphany's about every 3 months. Lightening the load several times along the way. Really learning how to toss things; leave baggage behind. Leave the past in the past. A year of incredible acceptance of J's death. A certain peace that settles within my heart about just "where" he is. Acceptance is a wonderful awakening, and a beautiful gift. 18 years is a very long time to be together. I will feel deep heartache as the time draws near to what would have been our 20th year. To ache is to have loved, and loved deeply. Thank you J. August 2005   It's been a busy summer so far. Lot's of family and friends not seen for many a year have been popping in and out. Really nice to get to see and talk to them, some I've met just for the very first time, like spouses, children. Matching up who belongs with who, etc. July was especially hectic with visitors. One of my close friends visited me, her first time on island too. We had a blast! At least she didn't dive for cover like my other friend did last summer, while I drove on the left side of the road. That was funny. My brother even made it in for a surprise visit for a couple of weeks, that was icing on the cake! I have experienced a bit of anticlimatic depression, but it will pass. Very hard time of year too. ~~SIGH~~ All done for now. JUNE, 2005   Happy Father's Day to my Dad, my husband, and all the other dad's and Grandfathers that I've known and still do know. May you all have a wonderful day, AND rest in peace, on so many levels. 6/19/05 MAY, 2005 Alright.  So now it's the month of May...and what have I done? Hmm? I have started attending a program at my local church, to learn about Christianity, and to measure up my faith against...what?? I have tried just about everything else to gain some understanding on why I am "STUCK!" in this whirlpool of grief and going in circles. I now turn to the Man Upstairs, in earnest, to find solace, light, truth, and understanding. It has helped-surprise!! I think I must be the only one who was. It has helped me to mentally let go of a lot of baggage I was carrying around. That in turn has freed some parts of my mind...to do what?? Well, I've decided I am going back to school. I know I said that last month, but I feel very strongly about it now. I  know what I want to be when I grow up...at least a part of me does, and so I will pursue it. It won't be easy, but what is? It will take some time, but doesn't everything? Will it be worth it? YES!! All on that subject for now.     APRIL, 2005   For what it's worth, it's now the month of April. A lot has happened internally since the new year started. A lot of worry, a lot of anxiety, a damn lot of thinking. Still, I find myself not really anywhere. Not much has changed on the outside. I am still moving steadily, but in circles. I am now trying to grab hold of my life with new reins, a more determined attitude...and see where it leads. cause anywhere, is better than nowhere. Maybe school? Hmmm... New Year's Day Thoughts   And so we arrive at a new year with a turn of the clock's hands. Did anything change? Did I breathe any different? No, things were the same, I kept breathing right along. Mentally my mind registered the change, new hope rose up and took notice. Small goals... Continue to try and work...at work, my writing, my poetry. Save money for future.. Future what? Anything future.   Lecture on Hair??   Who would have thunk it?? To go to the hair salon and then to get a "lecture" on my hair's upkeep...or the lack of it rather! After the intial eye blinking reaction to her, I developed a case of the giggles. I have never experienced that before..and she was very serious, you know. Eh, it's alright...I'll try harder I said. Apparently It's time I started acting my very mature age of 29 and start taming the wild curls known as my hair. When this wonderful session was through, and I looked decent enough to go out into public once more, I put on a touch of lipstick I found in my bag. The one lady turned and said:"Life! You look alive now!" Well! I have never!! Did I look that bad before??? And if so, why didn't anyone tell me?? Probably cause I wouldn't have listened anyway. So, now that I look "polished", any takers.....:-) 11/20/04 Veteran's Day   Yesterday was Veteran's Day. Americans honor those who have served, those serving, and those who have marched into the mist. It was also the first time in many years that I haven't worn my honorable discharge pin from the Navy. I guess that would be because I am not working at present. It was also the first time in many years that I didn't have Old Glory flying out front, snapping in the wind. I found it very strange indeed. This is because I am no longer in my house, but my parents. I found that I missed it profoundly. This ritual of showing my pride in my country, and more importantly now, a way to honor my husband. It left me feeling bereft, empty...and I didn't like it. When this nation was attacked on 9/11, I went home for lunch and put up my flag. I never took it down until it was tattered, and needed replacing; which I did, and kept right on flying it. It went to half-mast when my husband died for a long while, then back upright. When I moved out of my house it was still flying proudly. I can only hope that one of my neighbors took it down and is now using it. Since serving as I did in the Navy, and being married to a Marine, pride and honor ranked high in our home. For me it still does, and always will. I am proud to be an American, to be free; to know the real worth of that freedom. My mission...to find a small flagpole, a flag and start my ritual again. There is just a rightness to it. Semper Fi....and God Bless America. 11/12/04 Storm Front   Sometimes a storm is a good thing. It causes upheaval and blow in the winds of change. It wipes out old baggage and creates room for new things. This is how I view my world at the moment. I have had not just a storm, but a major hurricane,with tornados. yes, that major of a storm is exactly how it felt. And, yes there was catostrophic damage as a result. But, the cleanup has been going  on for awhile now, and some progress being seen. Rebuilding is a slow, sometimes tedious job; but rebuild I must. There will be other storms, there always are. I am ready, my essentials are intact..... 11/1/04 Introspective Thoughts   I like to think. I like to mull things over in my mind, slowly rolling them over until I can see all points.  Trouble is, you can only do it so long and it starts to come back at you. The very thing you are trying to understand gets lost inside your head because you've tried so many angles. This was a hard lesson for me to learn...to think, process, and move on. I think I am finally beginning to see how it works. Like this. 9/12/04 Settling in like an old house   Been a couple of months now and I finally feel things settling in. I had to get past the business of "the move"; then past the business of "the set-up" and here I am. Today I caused myself to cry due to trying to clean up papers and go through pictures. I'm alright now, but had to just let it flow, you know? Though it hit me unexpectedly. (it likes to do that) I now have some near and dear pictures stuck up on my mirror like tropgies. Mission for the day accomplished even if it took all day. New stuff: health care being taken care of. Son has job( always good) Find that I talk to myself a lot more lately, but am also answering right back in my mind. It helps me to rationalize things and continue to move forward. That IS the final destination...movement to the future. 8/26/08 Ghosts. (?)   Ghosts of the past. Just wrote a poem about that. I didn't know how real the ghost would become though! When the past comes back to "haunt" you...is it welcome or not. I would imagine it could go either way depending on the 'ghost'. I would have to say that this ghost didn't give me time to think about it..it was a sneak attack, which left me dazed. (effective, even if not intended) This particular ghost goes way back. So I believe I am intrigued somewhat. I've shaken a few cobwebs away and can see in front of me now. Have I, er, encouraged(?) this ghost to 'haunt'? Maybe, maybe not.  We'll see...as long as this ghost knows I have haunting capabilities also.. 8/9/04 Have you ever wondered about things that happen which have no explanation? Did you think yourself crazy, or someone else crazy when they mentioned it? I am here to tell you it is most definitely NOT crazy!! Always believed in an afterlife. Believed that our loved ones were around us. Never REALLY thought about it though....get my drift? Until my husband passed, I never really gave it much thought. Then I started looking for him. In plants, butterflies, the shower. If you just wish hard enough, you know? But no, doesn't happen like that. It happens when you least expect it to happen. It happens to me when I am still, in body, mind and spirit. It happens when I am so troubled and trying to find some measure of peace for the moment. When anything else ceases to be important except getting through the next minute. Then I am given a gift. There is no other way to describe it, it is a very precious gift. I see him, or I hear him, or in some tangible way, he "touches" me. I smell him. I have never been afraid because I instantly know what is happening. I have never questioned it. Instead, I look forward to it. It leaves me in wonderment of the universe and God. It ALWAYS brings me peace. And that is all I ask for...a little peace to get through the next minute, hour, day.   Is there someone you are missing that has passed on? Open your mind and see the possibilities. They are all around you.   Peace!!   4/24/04 So, I go to the good Dr. Couch today and got a well deserved lecture. I think. I have been ambivilant about this move of mine though I know it's something that has to be done, period. I am so ambivilent that empty boxes sit in my living room floor, while  giant POD sits empty in my front yard. :(   He has lit a fire under me...but I am still hesitant. I must finish this transition so I can move forward, but I am throwing silent tantrums and rebelling.  Against what you ask? Well, I don't really know. The thought of moving I guess. There are things in motion that need to be finished and it's high time I get on with it. So, that being said...it's the final night of FRIENDS, after ten years. I'm going to watch it, cause I want to. Then I'll watch ER, season finale.  Then tomorrow, go for it. Yeah, that's it. Right. Let me just remind you...these are random thoughts...you are inside my head while reading this. Aren't you glad you're not me? Later...   5/6/04 Saying Goodbye   The furious pace continues today. Boxes being packed, sounds of ripping tape, bubble wrap. Sight of boxes piled on a moving dolly; and I realize: this is real; this is really happening; I am moving out of my home. I feel like I'm standing outside myself looking at all the activity. But it's a new beginning, right? New start. Yet I am grieving for what is lost, for what was. The unanswerable question of WHY is back. Since the beginning of creation this has been the way of it. A loss, bereavement, move forward. Somehow it happens, and you do it. Then you look back and ask how. It is a testament to the very core of being human, the ability of rational thought and survival. the last chapter is almost done in this book. Was a very good book, lots of mystery and challenges; joy and triumphs. We grew together for 18 years, he and I. Not without pitfalls but still a good read. Now I am already searching for another good book to read. curiosity has the best of me now and I look ahead in anticipation. I'm sure I'll say goodbye many more times to come, but this was the ultimate test of stamina I think....and I passed. 5/17/04 Well, well well. Today is the beginning of the end of this great big book called: My Former Life. From tomorrow on, I have no vehicles; not too bad except you need a car to get anything done around these parts. Time for neighbors to step up and pitch in. That call today brought it all front and center for me. It's going to happen, no turning back . So be it. After an intial spazz-fest, in which I decided  spazzing doesn't get anything done, I took my personal plates off the vehicles. Round 1. I have to go to the store and get some food for the next couple of days and that will be that.  This page isn't supposed to be a journal...just random thoughts....so my thoughts are random. hehe All for now, most definitely to be continued. 5/23/04

TRANSITIONS....    We all do it, transition from one place to another. One job to another, one relationship to another.Then there are the major physical transitions. Like moving from one state to another, one country to another, and so on.  It could be a happy or sad one. But we all feel the same initially: fear, lost, in limbo. Looking for the "mine" and "my stuff" to make it all seem right again.  So, for me, I am in the middle of a huge, overwhelming, help me I'm drowning here...TRANSITION. At my destination, but not settled as yet-internally-the limbo part-thingy.  Still with me? Good.  When you are suddenly(thanks to technology and sober pilots) in a matter of hours, transported from one place of stress to another, the stress components shift dramatically. The one you left now takes a back seat, and you find yourself in the new component. What to do?  Well, you stress with it. Just in a different way. Transitions suck!! Major emotional upset here. Yeah, I know it's all about me, but like I stated above...these thoughts have to come out! So me, myself, and my stress are gonna have a serious talk here soon. Cause things just have to start acting right, its time, dammit!  OK, that's all for now folks.Hey, if I didn't have you to bounce all this off of do you know what could happen?? SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION! or something of the sort.  Till next time...stay iree, bra!!(Rastafarian talk for stay cool, stay up, stay kind, brother) hehehe...sorry, had to just do it  :-)        7/14/04                 Blue Moon     And just what is that anyway, a "blue moon"?? 'Once in a blue moon'=once in a while..right? I mean, the moon doesn't change from white/grey/silver suddenly to the color blue. Least not to these old eyes. No, it simply means that there are two full moon cycles within one month's time. A rare event. Glad to see it. means times may be-a-changing.   So, further along in the month now for me. A friend is visiting and has been able to keep me occupied. But I am dog-tired. Been having some great beach weather though. I think...mind you now...I THINK I am settling in better these days. I've figured out that if I can get into a routine, whatever kind, it helps to soothe my ruffled feathers. So, will try to find one and stick to it for more than a week at a time.  Yes. It is that hard. Stress levels are down some. Seems that I will manage to survive wether I want to or not, it is a built in fail-safe. So, that means you guys will just have to put up with more of my ramblings. I share them willingly. All for now. Time for bed and sweet dreams. Then beach tomorrow...yes, I'll swim for you too. {smile} 7/21/04 Open Season For Hurricanes   As the Carolina's, mainly North Carolina, gets battered by Hurricane Alex, I find it very hard to not think of "my house". Of course it no longer belongs to me, but I am still protective of it.I see it in my mind's eye and find myself wondering if anyone has done this, or that, to protect it. Last year about this time I had come home to pass the first anniversary with my family. My friends all pitched in and took precautions to protect my house and belongings. Now, it is really strange trying NOT to worry about it. Here in the islands my father is scurrying around checking and double checking due to an approaching storm. I am caught up in his angst. You can only do what is sensible and logical to prepare. Then you wait..and if so inclined, pray. My "POD" storage seems safe to my mind in NC. My friends? They will do what is necessary for their own safety. Here, well, I have never been through a hurricane here in the islands. Growing up I always thought I had, but they were more mild tropical storms or waves, lows/depressions. My son asked me: where do the people go when a hurricane comes? I stared at him like an alien and said in the closet, with a mattress over you. He stared back. 8/03/04